I have a confession. I have a struggle, a struggle not so uncommon to many, but this struggle is mine, nonetheless. If there is a conflict of sorts between me and another person, I have trouble letting it go. I have trouble dropping the matter. You may identify and share in this common struggle.
As a leader in ministry, I KNOW the danger that this struggle can be in my role of shepherding others. I also know that whether this is an area of great personal struggle or not, it IS a challenge that all ministry leaders will face. Children’s ministry leaders are not immune to this struggle, and may even face it more than in other ministries.
It can be easy to dismiss this as general ministry frustration, but a deeper look reveals the potential for a bad habit to turn into something much worse.
The Bible lays out this sobering progression.
First we could describe this as contention. Contention is defined as struggling together in opposition; a striving in rivalry. It could seem relatively benign and harmless. However, Proverbs 26:20 says, “For lack of wood the fire goes out, and where there is no whisperer, contention quiets down” (NASB). When possible, a wise leader will pursue the path of “a lack of wood.” Drop it already. Give it a rest. Stop talking about it and calmer heads just may prevail.
From there it could grow to strife. Strife is defined as vigorous or bitter conflict, discord, or antagonism. Matters have now escalated. Bitterness can set in and antagonism never helps. Proverbs 17:14 guides us to let it go: “The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so abandon the quarrel before it breaks out” (NASB).
When the situation is not arrested, it can lead to quarreling. A quarrel is defined as an angry dispute or altercation; a disagreement marked by a temporary or permanent break in friendly relations. Proverbs 20:3 says, “Keeping away from strife is an honor for a man, but any fool will quarrel” (NASB). To arrest the situation and not allow it to progress is an act of wisdom.
Quarreling is dangerous. Matters can get out of hand quickly. I call this “blowing up.” Without temperance and wisdom, we can fly off the handle and say very damaging things in our moments of anger. Proverbs 29:11 says, “A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back” (ESV). Giving full vent to your anger is not good. Recovery and healing from heated moments like this are very hard.
Talking has turned into angrily saying more than should have been said. Lines of communication may be completely disrupted. But when talking to others about this situation maliciously begins, the Bible calls this gossip. Gossip is defined as idle talk or rumor, especially about the personal or private affairs of others. Proverbs 18:8 says, “The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the inner parts of the body” (ESV). Maligning the reputation of another and leading others to think less of that person is one-sided and sinful.
At this point, there is an utterly fractured relationship. However, it can go even darker, when a person begins to secretly conspire and lay traps for revenge. Proverbs 26:27 says, “Whoever digs a pit will fall into it, and a stone will come back on him who starts it rolling” (ESV). Do you see where this has gone? What started with contention and a struggling in opposition to someone has become actively conspiring against and working toward the demise of another in secret.
If we are honest, I imagine we have all observed each of these steps at work within ourselves at some level or to some degree. And sadly, you may have watched it happen among your children’s ministry leaders or other church members.
For me, taking the time to study this scriptural progression has been sadly profound. I want to arrest my heart and take a different path. When I can advise others to do the same, I want to lead in that direction. As God opens your eyes to relationship issues, I urge you to remember what His Word says about this progression.
There is a higher road. God honors that higher road.
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