A mom with several kids with disabilities quit attending her church because she said as she and her lively crew entered the children’s ministry hall, she would look towards her kids’ classrooms and even though her kids hadn’t even stepped a foot into their classrooms, the teachers already had looks of exasperation on their faces. This mom knew that her kids required extra attention. She knew that because of the trauma they’d experienced in their short lives and because of their disabilities, they could be a handful. She worked hard with the children’s ministry leaders to create the best environment for not just her kids, but all kids, and their leaders too. But despite her efforts, most Sunday mornings she was met by leaders who were not excited to see her kids. These parents ended up leaving this church, because they didn’t want their kids to believe they were a burden based on the children’s ministry leaders’ attitudes towards them.
This story is not an exception. Almost 1 out of 3 “special needs families” have either been asked to leave a church or have made the choice themselves because they did not feel welcome due to their child’s behavior. I have talked to many families who have not been to church in years because they either can’t find a church who will welcome their child, or they have been told the church cannot accommodate their child. Entire families are staying at home on Sunday because they have given up on church.
So how do we create teams to welcome every kid? As we build our volunteer teams, I think there are four qualities that are important:
Be curious:
Dr. Karyn Purvis was a pioneer in working with kids who had experienced trauma, and she said, “Behavior is the language of children who have lost their voice.” When kids can’t find their words, they will communicate through their behavior. So, when we see a child with challenging or concerning behavior, rather than going straight to judgment, let’s get curious. A friend shared about a child who was described as “out of control” by leaders in the room. She got curious and, knowing a little about his home life, wondered if he might be hungry. The next week, and the weeks to follow, a granola bar and cup of water awaited this child as he arrived at church. Guess what happened? His behavior greatly improved. He wasn’t out of control; he was hungry and was unable to use his words to communicate his need.
Be flexible:
Too often we can get rigid in our schedule and procedures, and this keeps us from doing what is best for each child. A volunteer once told me she couldn’t get a little boy to come out from under the table for small group. My response was, “Can you do small group under the table?” She had never considered that. Small group time had always happened with the kids sitting in chairs around the table. When this leader laid on the floor, she had a great small group with her kids under the table. Maybe a child is overwhelmed in a large group. Finding a quieter area might be the perfect environment to talk about Jesus. Look for possible modifications to meet the needs of kids who are having a hard time.
Be kind:
Assume the best in each child. When behaviors don’t meet our expectations, consider what skills a child might be missing. Or maybe the child has sensory differences and needs a quieter area or an area where they can burn off some energy. Instead of assuming a child is being willfully defiant, lovingly look at that child as needing your help.
Be calm:
An adult who is not calm cannot help calm a child. An escalated adult will often make the situation worse and can increase agitation in the child. Take a few deep breaths, ask God for discernment, then engage with the child. Model deep breathing. Give the child a fidget or playdoh to help him regulate.
Jesus welcomed children (Matthew 19:14) and if we’re going to be like Jesus, we should also welcome ALL kids into safe, God-honoring spaces. Practicing curiosity, flexibility, kindness, and calm are four great ways to create environments for ALL kids.
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